Adjustment Periods
by Andi Mack
Summary: Adjustment periods? Losing my best friend all while trying to raise a 7-year-old girl. Yeah, I know all about those. - MGS4 spoilers, AFFIRMATIVE! !Complete!
1. This Boy

**A/N: (Please read!)** In the style of _Flowers for Algernon_ and the spirit of _Instant Star_ (Canadian teen soap operas...gotta love 'em.), all 25 of these journal entries are named after song titles. I didn't want to date these because I've already done that with "The Last Days of Dave and Meryl" and wanted to try something brand spankin' new. The songs picked where picked purely because of their titles and not because of the meaning of the song. I had to pull a few of them out of my ass but most of them fit the entries pretty well. And it should be noted that these journal entries are not day-by-day. I think I've dropped enough key words in the entries for that to be clear, though. Happy reading, don't forget to review (if you want to, of course...), and I'll be listing the artist that each song is by in my profile as I post them.

* * *

_This Boy_

_Entry 1_

Mei Ling suggested I keep a journal for myself while I'm going through the process of documenting Dave's life, at least until the first draft is finished. I guess that means she's getting tired of me. Sometimes, I call her to vent but most of the time she's busy. I really don't have anyone else to talk to. I wouldn't dream of burdening a small child or a dying man with all my woes. So, I figured I'd give the journal thing a try.

About a week ago, I began asking Dave about his experiences, pre-Shadow Moses Island incident. He's been surprisingly cooperative but that doesn't necessarily excite me because it means he's getting too weak to feel like fighting me about it anymore. We don't talk about it in our 'sessions' for too long, 20 or 30 minutes at a time. He still occasionally has nightmares about Zanzibarland so I'm trying to be careful to not stir up too much there.

Sunny is starting to ask questions about what we've been doing. She knows that Dave is very sick and that I'm writing a story about him and I'm sure she knows he's going to die soon but I haven't had it in me to sit down and ask her. I need to do it soon, though. She cares about him a lot and though he won't admit it, he's grown really fond of her as well. On the days where his symptoms are the worst, she spends the whole day with him like she's guarding him. He stopped smoking so she doesn't hide his cigarettes anymore but she still gets him anything he needs and falls asleep in the chair in his room at night. As strange as it sounds, it makes me feel better when she watches him though I know it's a juvenile and naive way of trying to protect him. It's still more than I feel like I can do for him right now.


	2. Monsters

_Monsters_

_Entry 2:_

Last night, Sunny asked Dave about the burn he has on the left side of his face. Before he could say something to (inadvertently) hurt her feelings, I stepped in and tried to convince her that she was tired even though it was only 7pm. But, Dave let me know that it was okay.

"I got it trying to save someone."

"Who?"

"My…mother."

I noticed the way she looked at Dave change in that moment. Although she cared about him, before then, she found nothing on common ground with him. I think he almost felt like a mythical character to her, completely untouchable to the world, emotionally inward but never heartless.

"Is your mother okay?"

"No, Sunny. She died."

"Oh," she said with all the implied sympathy of an apology, "Does your face still hurt?"

He ran his hand over the burn and shook his head.

"No, not anymore."

In Sunny's head, Dave touching the burn looked like an invitation for her to do it as well. My hand hovered in mid air, waiting to grab her when Dave's body language signaled me that Sunny was being a little too curious for his comfort. But—and maybe I missed it—he never gave me that signal.

Even with Dave saying that it didn't hurt, her movements were careful as if it did. She studied it, memorizing every bit of scarred tissue her hand went over. After a moment, she met Dave's eyes with a look that told me that she was already hurt by what his answer might be to her question.

"Is this why you call yourself a monster?"

Neither Dave or I had ever thought she had heard him use that word in reference to himself. Weather he was speechless all together or just delaying his answer--I don't know but I took that silence and asked her about something that I remembered her wanting to show me earlier. I know she heard me, but her attention was still on Dave who was now looking everywhere else but at her.

"You're not a monster." She told him right before she kissed him on his cheek—the left side.

Sunny wasn't with me when I came back into the living room where Dave was but I immediately recognized the look on his face. It was the same look I had when she called me "Uncle Hal" for the very first time. The monster not only has a heart but he has one that I think slightly melted.


	3. Lost in the Supermarket

_Lost in the Supermarket_

* * *

_Entry 3:_

Things have been stable for the first time in a while. Dave's symptoms aren't getting any better of course, but they aren't getting any worse either. It's a good day when all I really have to write about is the trip the grocery store that Sunny and I took earlier today.

I think my first mistake was going on the eve of a holiday. I'm still not sure what holiday tomorrow is but it's bound to be one that involves the outdoors. Almost every cart we passed by had cartons of colas, plastic plates and utensils, unearthly amounts of meat, and bug repellant. That's the arsenal of a summer holiday cookout if I ever saw it. I was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic so we ducked into the cereal isle, which was vacant for the most part. Sunny looked over a lot of different boxes before she started to hold up certain ones to me for clearance to put into the cart. She had done this on our last trip, but she was a little more persistent this time. All the ones she held up were brightly colored with some cartoon mascot to sell it, which almost always means its got enough sugar in it to put her into a diabetic coma. She knows what's in that stuff even better than I do but it didn't seem to matter much to her.

I turned down everything she picked up until she stopped trying and when I spotted a new line open up at check out, I picked up the pace to make it there before the people in the other over crowding lines found out. When I looked back at Sunny, she was pouting. Right as the guy in front of us was putting his four or five items onto counter, it hit me: No matter how intelligent and technical Sunny is for her age, underneath it all, she's just a kid and I can't allow myself to forget that. The massive line that had formed behind us thought I was crazy when I turned around the cart to get out. I took her back to the cereal isle and let her pick out every sugary, teeth rotting, growth-stunting cereal she wanted to. I want Sunny to be a normal kid, without the worries about when someone she cares about is going to die or if she's going to be able to crack a code that could spell out the doom of the human race. The only thing I want her to worry about is whether she's going to have Count Chocolately Combs or Pop Rock Candy Mountain Crunch in the morning for breakfast. I'll worry about what we're going to do with the 12 boxes of the stuff we left the store with.


	4. Better Living Through Chemistry

_Better Living Through Chemistry_

* * *

_Entry 4:_

Dave and I had another session yesterday. I have just about everything I need now, it's just a matter of sorting it all out. I still don't think he gets that his story needs to be told and passed on to future generations. Because of that, my new goal is to finish this thing before he dies so that he can read it and maybe see why this is so important.

I got him to open up a little about him and Meryl for the first time, too. He didn't go into too much detail but I could tell by looking at him as he talked about her that he really did care about her...and still does. Maybe he didn't always choose the best ways of showing it but there's no doubt that it's there. I didn't push him for information, like why they decided to go their separate ways but he kind of hinted at it being her decision and his fault.

Earlier today, I found myself walking past the coffee shop, Serenity's, on 43rd. It's not too far from the house so I usually walk there anyway. I wasn't in the mood for coffee but I was going to stop in and say 'hi' to Chloe but she looked busy and I didn't want to bother her. Her hair is back to brown now, her natural color probably.


	5. Bigger Hole to Fill

_Bigger Hole to Fill_

* * *

_Entry 5:_

I haven't seen much of Sunny or Dave in the past few days. Things suddenly got really bad with his health and she's been staying close to him. I'm working double time to finish Dave's story for him to read it. She's angry with me for not being there more for him or with him. I know she feels like I'm ignoring him because I feel like I am too. I tried to tell her that I'm busy and that she doesn't need me there to help her take care of him but she knows just as much as I do that that's a cover up. I can't see him like that. I just...can't.


	6. What's My Age Again?

_What's My Age Again?_

* * *

_Entry 6:_

I had to leave the house today. Dave isn't improving any and Sunny's not even talking to me right now. The only place I could think of to go was Serenity's, which seemed appropriate enough. Chloe looked pretty happy to see me. After I got my usual, I was going to go but Chloe stopped me before I reached the door and told me she was going on her break. We sat outside at the tables and chairs in front of the shop.

"I saw you pass by the shop the other day, Hal. Why didn't you come in and say hi?"

I honestly didn't think she had seen me, but I guess I was wrong.

"Oh, you looked busy and I didn't want to bother you."

"Don't be crazy. I always have time for you, Hal."

She beamed one of those smiles to me that made me instantly turn shy and look away from her.

Chloe's a lot younger than me, 22 or 23 is what I'm guessing. Being in my mid 30s, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be going into places like Serenity's or even talking to people Chloe's age but she always makes me feel okay about being in there. Out from under the lights of the coffee shop, I could see the true radiance of her sepia complexion and the deep pools of dark brown in her eyes.

"How's Sunny?" she continued.

I don't know whether Chloe is good with kids or just good with Sunny but either way, she's always very nice to her whenever I bring her with me to the shop.

"Sunny's actually giving me the silent treatment right now."

"Don't feel too bad. I'm sure you didn't do anything. I think her being mad at you is how you know you're doing the whole 'raising a daughter' thing right."

I couldn't help but smile at that. I could have corrected her, told her that Sunny wasn't my child, but that might have lead into a conversation on how I had come to raise her in the first place. So really, it was much less complicated to let her assume that.

"No, she's got every right to be angry at me. I've been doing so much lately and I haven't really been doing all I can to help Dave…"

"Dave's not doing so well these days, huh?"

Over the course of me coming into Serenity's and talking to Chloe, I have told her about how sick Dave is and when she asks, (which is often), I tell her how he's doing. I never go into much detail about Dave's sickness but she's always understanding and concerned nonetheless.

She placed her hand over mine, caressing it lightly with her thumb. "Don't worry, Hal. I'm sure you're doing the best you can with everything right now. You must be terrified. I can't imagine what it must be like to know you're going to lose your best friend."

"I try not to think about it. I wish I could be as cool and collected about it all as he is. It's like it doesn't even faze him."

"I'm sure on some level it does. Maybe he's just a little better at hiding it."

She looked at her watch and widened her eyes a bit when she realized the time.

"I better get back in there. I don't think management is going to like the idea of me extending my break but don't be a stranger, okay? I don't like it when you pass by without saying anything to me."

I nodded in agreement and she went back inside. I sat and watched her work until I realized it was a little stalkerish to be doing that. She did look up and smile at me a few times though, so I don't think she minded.

* * *

_Note: Just in case you're wondering: Yes, Chloe is black. _


	7. Sister, Do You Know My Name?

_Sister, Do You Know My Name?_

* * *

_Entry 7:_

I don't know where it came from, but I found myself saying "Venus in Cancer" today. Maybe I got frustrated with something or couldn't remember where I had put something important when I said but, it made me think of Emma.

She'd be about 25 if she were alive today and I really can't imagine what she'd be like. I know it's terrible but what kind of clothes she'd wear, what kind of music she'd listen to...I just can't see it. I think, though, that she would have been a really great "aunt" to Sunny.

Sunny broke her silence with me today, but only because she noticed I was down. She snuck up on me while I was going through a box of photos that had a combination of pictures of Emma that had been sent to me by Julie in the years that we didn't see each other and a few of us together that were taken before I left home.

"Is that you and your sister?" She pointed to the picture I had in my hand.

"Yes, it is. This is one of the very few pictures we took together."

"She's really pretty."

"You know, I think Emma would have thought the same of you."

I encouraged her to sit on the floor next to me, and she did. Each picture I looked at, Sunny outstretched her hand to look at it before I put it back into the box.

"You don't talk about her a lot."

"I know," I said regretting that it was the truth, "but sometimes when I think or talk about Emma, it makes me really sad."

"I know you miss her a lot, Uncle Hal."

"Yes, I do."

After she had looked at the last picture, she placed it into the box, put the lid back on, and put her hands in her lap.

"Uncle Dave is going to die, isn't he?"

Her composure was years ahead of her as she looked to me for confirmation. All I could do was nod. I haven't even fully come to terms with what's going to happen to him and she almost sounded as if she had.

"Uncle Hal, I can give you a hug if you want." She said it in a way that didn't let me forget that she was still upset with me but was taking pity on me in that moment.

"I'd like that a lot, Sunny."

After she hugged me, I thanked her and she quietly disappeared again, probably back with Dave.

I just looked at the calendar. It's about a week away from the anniversary of Emma's death. It's weird, I didn't even notice it until just now. I hope I can not notice it on the actual day.


	8. Hollow

_Hollow_

* * *

Entry 8:

Dave's symptoms eased a little but he's in no shape to be drinking the way he has for the past few days. He said, or rather slurred, to me yesterday "I don't need the kid watching me every second" so I've been doing my best to keep Sunny out of his way. She's upset but she doesn't need to know that he doesn't want her around him right now. It would hurt her. So, I told her that I needed her help with something and she seemed pretty satisfied with that.

Every time Dave comes out into the open, usually to grab another drink, she looks up at him wanting him to say something—anything—to her, but he doesn't. Most of the time, he doesn't even look at her. It makes me angry that he's doing this, especially to Sunny, but at the same time, there's not a whole lot I can do. I've never had to face my own mortality in the way that he has to right now. I have no idea what he's going through. Either way, I've known Dave for years and I know the best thing for Sunny and I to do is to just stay out of his path until he comes out of this.


	9. Can't You Hear Me Knockin?

_Can't You Hear Me Knocking?_

* * *

_Entry 9:_

After about a week of giving Sunny busy work, I ran out yesterday and she began asking me questions about Dave's stand offish behavior.

"Well, not everyone gets sad or cry when they're depressed. Some people get angry and do unhealthy things and that's what Dave is doing. But he's not angry at us, he's just angry at his situation."

I felt pretty good about what I had said to her, but she quickly dismantled the feeling.

"But he wasn't angry a week ago and he's been sick for a while."

"I know. Sunny...," I sighed and turned her to face me by her shoulders, "Adults are very confusing. One minute they're fine and the next, they're not. Dave's going to be okay in the next few days or so. He'll snap right out of this and--"

The sound of Dave's door slamming as he went back inside his room made the both of us jump a little. I hadn't even seen him come out or walk past us. Before I could gather my senses enough to stop her, Sunny ran to his door and began pounding on it, shouting for him to open it. I expected a hurricane as he opened the door but even if he did have one brewing, he didn't have time to do anything with it. Before he could say a word, Sunny started in at him.

"You need to stop doing this, Uncle Dave! I know that you're sick and that you don't like it but me and Uncle Hal have just been trying to help you so I don't think you should be angry. You're being really, really...mean!"

From where I was sitting, Dave and Sunny looked like they had a bit of a stare down for a moment but I'm not sure who might have won. Maybe Sunny did since he closed his door with a lot less force the second time around.


	10. That Girl

_That Girl_

* * *

_Entry 10:_

Dave's attitude improved majorly after Sunny put him in his place a few days ago. She's Olga's child, alright. If I had been like that when I was her age, I might have turned out a lot differently, perhaps even better.

I convinced Dave to leave the house with me and Sunny earlier today. He fought me on it but, not for long because he realized I was right: A month and a half in the house can kill you quicker than anything.

We went to Serenity's. The place is always pulsating with multi-color haired art students with laptops and MP3 players and the kids behind the counter never look older than about 21. I think I saw the owner once and she didn't look much older than the kids who worked and frequented her shop.

Sofas and living room tables take the place of traditional chairs and tables. I'm not sure how the atmosphere is supposed to feel but to me, it's always looked like the living rooms of four different homes were stolen and reassembled in a big room. I usually sit in a corner with a speaker right above my head which I can always count on to be playing a song by some band I've never heard of. Despite how awkward I must look in there sometimes, I like it.

When Chloe saw us walk in, she smiled though I'm sure it was more at Sunny than at me this time. Chloe told me once she was a student but I have no idea when she has time to actually attend classes since she's almost always in there when I am. I immediately noticed that her hair was red again, but not a natural red. Art student red.

When we all went over over my usual corner of the shop, I could immediately tell that Dave was uncomfortable. Even though he has faced nuclear walking battle tanks amongst other unholy things, he winced at the thought of sitting down on a sofa with a make shift sheet cover. I heard Chloe get Sunny's attention and call her over to the counter and that's when I realized all the eyes staring at us. I would have felt much less like a freak on parade if they wouldn't have turned away once they thought I had seen them. Dave's sudden bad coughing spell didn't help matters. I apologized to him for recommending he come to the place and promised him we'd leave soon. He grunted at me but he didn't seem upset. I think he's grown used to feeling like a beast.

Sunny was telling Chloe about something she had come across on the Internet when I walked up. Chloe's smile is so contagious and I found myself returning it before I even realized it.

"What'll be today, Hal?"

"The usual."

Chloe leaned down to be eye level with Sunny.

"So, I guess that means a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and whip cream for Ms. Sunny, right?"

That was the first time I had seen her genuinely smile in a while. She always did though, when Chloe remembered her favorite thing on the menu. I don't think I should tell her that being 7 and in a coffee shop, it's pretty much the only thing she's allowed to order. I guess they were short staffed because Chloe started making our drinks. She gestured to our corner with a slight nod of her head.

"That must be Dave."

"Yeah, that's him."

"Is he going to be alright?"

When I looked back at him, Sunny was at his side, hand on his shoulder, eyes wide with concern as his body was calming down from the fit of coughing. She can usually sense whenever he needs her even if he can't.

"I really hope so. I shouldn't have brought him here. It was a bad idea."

"I hope you're not saying that because of _them._" She said referencing the shop's patrons, some of which were still staring at Dave. "People stare at what they don't understand, Hal. I told you, we are devolving as a species and I meant that."

"I'd say you're proof that maybe there's some hope yet."

I couldn't believe I said that to her. But, I did notice her blush, quite clearly actually even through her complexion so I certainly don't regret it. Chloe put our drinks on the counter around the time Sunny came running over to me and started tugging lightly on my arm.

"Can we leave now? Uncle Dave's not feeling too well."

"Okay, Sunny."

I put the money for the drinks on the counter and she pushed it back to me.

"On the house. You just worry about him."

I did manage to smile at her before we all left in our rush. He's been pretty out of it since we've gotten back home. Sunny's resumed her place at his side, looking over him. I shouldn't have pushed him out of the house the way I did. I hope he's alright.


	11. Everything's Worse

_Everything's Worse_

* * *

Entry 11:

Dave collapsed yesterday. Ever since the day at the coffee shop, he had been a little out of it but still getting around okay. Then yesterday, without much warning, his body just shut down. I was in the kitchen when I heard Sunny scream for me. I hurried to Dave's room and he was on the floor with Sunny's tiny hands moving his body and pleading for him to get up. I honestly thought he was gone. Just like that, in the half blink of an eye. Although she was hysterical and crying, I got her somewhat calm enough to tell me what happened. I think she said that he stood up to get out of bed, started holding his midsection and just passed out. At some point, it came to me to check his pulse. I hadn't lost him yet. I explained to Sunny that I was sure he was going to be okay, but she didn't calm down until Dave's eyes slowly opened as proof. He looked like he had trouble focusing on us for a minute but he eventually came around.

I've been avoiding reality so much with that damn book because I'm terrified of it but I can't keep pretending that Dave's not dying. His time is winding down and I need to prepare myself for that. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.


	12. The Angels Hung Around

_The Angels Hung Around_

* * *

_Entry 12:_

I've had to coax Sunny into eating, sleeping and just about every other activity that's involved leaving Dave's side. She's done little else in the past few days other than sit in that chair in his room and look after him. I guess someone with even Dave's past can have a guardian angel. He's steady, but I feel like he's getting weaker everyday. If he doesn't improve any, I'm guessing he has a few weeks to a month at the most left but I could be over-estimating for my own sake and sanity right now. I've stopped working on the book. I can't look at it anymore right now.

_A/N: I know some of these chapters/entries are really short. Just, hang in there with me, okay?_


	13. Modern Romance

_Modern Romance_

* * *

_Entry 13:_

I needed to clear my head late last night. I probably shouldn't have left the house with Sunny sleeping and Dave still so sick but my mind was racing so I went to Serenity's. As soon as I walked in, I saw Chloe sitting on one of the sofas drinking coffee with a blonde guy who immediately looked to me like someone she might date or already be dating. She excused herself from her conversation with him when she saw me and waved me in even though they were about to close.

"Just about everything's put up but I can still get you something if you want..."

"No. I don't need anything. Is it okay if I just sit in here for a minute? I won't hold you up, I promise."

"Sure you can, Hal." He voice was warmer than any cup of coffee I can remember having from there.

Chloe disappeared to the back and after a minute and the guy she was talking to left. When I was the only one sitting out of the floor, she turned all the lights out except the ones I was sitting next to, locked the door, and came to sit next to me.

"Am I in your way?" I checked with her as soon as she sat down.

"Of course not."

"Was that your boyfriend?" I realized I'm no good at making prying questions sound like harmless conversation.

"What? Oh, Todd? No. We're doing a project together for one of my classes. My boyfriend is the coffee grinding machine in the back. I'm afraid I get more action from it than anyone right now."

"I like your shirt," I said in another attempt at small talk. I didn't want to burden Chloe with my troubles either so I tried to talk about anything that wouldn't bring up the situation at home, "I read that book when I was in high school. I liked it a lot."

"My shirt..." she glanced down at it and started to laugh. Not one that insulted me but one that told me I had just verbally highlighted the generation gap between us, "As I Lay Dying is a band, too. I actually love the book more than the band but it was given to me as a gift and it was laundry day. Maybe I'll start wearing it in reference to the book, though."

Her generous attempt to smooth over my ignorance only made me feel worse.

"I should go. I'm sorry."

She caught my arm before I could bolt for the door.

"Hal, don't leave. You looked like something was bothering you when you came in. That's why I closed up a little early so that you could talk to me if you wanted to."

I realized she was holding my hand when we sat back down. For some reason, this allowed me to start pouring out every doubtful and unsure thought I had come to have in the past few months. I told her about Dave collapsing a few days before and how scared I was becoming at the idea of losing him. I told her about how Sunny was almost mature enough to not even need me and practically raise herself. I even told her about my sister and how much her death hurt even five years later. Most of what I said were things I had only put into this journal but had never heard myself say aloud. I don't think anything came out coherently but she listened to me talk out everything anyway, nodding understandingly and never removing her eyes from me. When I finished, she didn't say anything. She just embraced me. The swift motion of her doing this surprised me but I seamlessly fell into her arms. She made everything inside of me that raged with fear and panic about the future still and calm if only for that moment.

"I'm really sorry, Chloe. I didn't mean to unload like that."

I wasn't apologizing for that. I was really apologizing for the quiver in my voice and the feeling I had that I was about to break down in front of her. I took off my glasses and buried my face in my hands to hide the on coming tears.

I felt her hand began to stroke up and down my back. "So that's what's behind those blue eyes of yours, huh," she said, "Heartache and unsureness? Hal, I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. You are so much more prepared for your life after Dave than you think you are. People don't ever think they're ready for something until they're staring it in the face."

She tugged at my arm, urging me to look at her. I dried my face as much as I could with my hands and did so.

"And Sunny needs you. She loves you. I see it everytime the two of you are in here together."

"Really?"

Her own hands wiped across my face.

"Yeah, really."

As we looked at each other, I wasn't sure if Chloe was moving closer to my face or if I was moving closer to hers but they met and her lips sent the proverbial electrical charge through my entire body. Her hands flowed down from my hair, to my shoulders, down to my chest, and pushed me back firmly until I felt the boundary of the sofa arm bump me lightly from behind. The harder her lips melded into mine, the faster my entire existence atomized underneath her. When she pulled away, her body was embedded onto mine and my arms were fastened around her waist, keeping her there. My lips continued to tingle a bit as we looked at each other, both of us thinking too much. _Who's move is it now? Where do we go from here? When we wake up tomorrow morning, are you going to choose where we eat breakfast or am I?_ But in the next moment, reality rushed back in for me and clumsily verbalized.

"I should go," I said and attempted my second awkward exit of the night, "I need to get back home in case something happens."

"I understand." She smiled as she freed me. She knew she had me, that she was the reason I was stammering around like an idiot.

Before I made it to the door, I felt her hand take my arm again.

"Hey, you forgot these," she held up my glasses and slid them back onto my face herself.

I thanked her, tried to push the door instead of pull it, and finally got out of there.

That kiss has been replaying in my head ever since. My only wish is that it would have happened a few months earlier, before Dave's health took such a turn for the worse. I don't think I'd feel so bad thinking about it as much as I do.


	14. Things I Don't Remember

_Things I Don't Remember_

* * *

_Entry 14_

I knew something was wrong from the way Dave looked at me coming out of his room. Like I was a foreign object, a bewilderment. I called his name a few times but he made me feel like I was speaking another language. I didn't notice that as I was talking to him that I was moving closer to him...until he started to back away, like he was scared. Scared of _me_. He bumped lightly into the wall behind him but his body reacted like he had just smashed into a train.

"Dave," I called to him, still moving towards him, almost involuntarily now, "are you okay?"

"Where am I?"

"You're at home. You're safe."

"I don't know this place. I don't know you. Who are you?"

"Dave--"

"Stop calling me that! No one ever calls me that."

He patted his body quietly and soon, when he didn't feel anything immediately, frantically for a weapon.

"Snake," I corrected myself but it did little to calm is suspiciousness of me, "you know who I am and where you are." At least he was supposed to. I could tell that in his mind, he was fighting between standing there against the wall, waiting for me to decide to answer his question and rushing past me to the door. "My name is Hal. Hal Emmerich."

"Who do you work for?" he demanded

"I'm an engineer and I don't work for anyone anymore, Snake. And I don't have any weapons." He looked me over, noting my messy brown hair, glasses sitting closer to the tip of my nose than to my face, and my sweater and jeans. Not the outfit of a terroist. Afterwards, he quickly investigated my frame for any unusual shapes protruding from under my clothes.

"Hal," he repeated. The name almost soothed him but not because it felt familiar but because in his mind, it made me one of the good guys. Bad ones aren't named 'Hal'.

"You don't remember me?"

"No. Are we friends?"

_Are we friends? No, we're more than friends. We're brothers, family. We saved the world together, we saved each other._ The rush of words beat at the back of my throat and harbored impatiently on my tongue but they took the form of the hardest pill I've ever had to swallow as I re-digested them.

"Yeah, we're friends."

He nodded, almost content. Almost trusting. He unpressed his back from the wall, relaxing his body just enough to still react in case he found out I wasn't who I said I was.

"What's the last thing you remember, Snake?"

"Getting the call to go to Zanzibar Land. I leave next week." That was nearly 15 years of his life, wiped clean like a chalk board except without the residue or the reason. I found myself checking his head for bumps, bruises, anything that might suggest he had hit it. But there was nothing immediate that stood out.

"You don't remember Shadow Moses or Philanthropy?"

Of course he didn't. Zanzibar Land had been before those, before me. They were only my memories at the moment and even I was starting to question if they had happened without Dave's memory of it too to justify it. He shook his head, remorseful of his inability to recall what he was supposed to.

"No. Are they important?"

"No," I lied, "It's okay if you don't remember them. They're not important."

I felt defeated. I sunk into the sofa, wishing I could dissolve into it completely. He sat down on it too leaving a cushion's worth of unsureness about me still between us.

"How long have we known each other?"

"Nine years."

"Are you in FOXHOUND?"

"Dave, FOXHOUND doesn't exist anymore. And you haven't actually been in FOXHOUND for eight or nine years. It was recently disbanded...again. Meryl was their last commander-in-chief."

"What? Who's Meryl? What happened to Roy Campbell?"

"Look, that's not important right now. I think you may be suffering from an amnesia of some sort. Antegrade, perhaps."

"What are you talking about? I go to Zanzibar--"

"Snake, you went to Zanzibar Land over 15 years ago. You're 42 now, not 27."

I couldn't filter back my anger coming from some uncharted place in me. For whatever reason he had the amnesia, I knew it wasn't his fault. It was his deteriorating state. His body, his mind slowly giving in and giving up. Sunny peeked out from the hallway, observing the atmosphere. She knew something was wrong but she didn't know what and she wasn't going to blindly travel into the unknown. Dave had taught her that.

"Who's the kid?" he asked.

"That's Sunny, Snake."

"Your daughter?"

"No."

He paused, studying Sunny's features in search of any that reminded him of his own.

"She's not yours either." I told him. "She's...we rescued her."

"Why doesn't Uncle Dave remember me?" she said, venturing slowly out towards him.

"I don't know exactly. He doesn't remember me either, though."

"She knows my name, too? How is that..."

"You have an identity with me and Sunny. You're not a codename to us."

His body suddenly erupted into an immediate hard cough that dropped him to the floor on his knees. When me and Sunny got him back onto the sofa, his body fell back in exhaustion.

"What's wrong with me? My voice..." he put his hands to his throat in between his lung's gaping attempts to steal back the oxygen they lost.

"You're very sick. Your body...it's aging at an accelerated rate. A classic case of Werner's to anyone on the outside. "

Dave held out his arms in front of him, viewing the thickening and wrinkling of them for himself.

"My whole body...does it look like this?"

"Yes."

"What is it really?" His body hacked with more coughing causing Sunny to hold onto him with great concern.

"You need to rest, Un...Snake." Sunny retreated her affection for him making her voice stab with a slight but still compassionate authority.

"She's right. You're no good like this."

"Am I going to die from this?"

"Eventually, yes, you will."

"Do you know how long I have?"

My throat suddenly tightened. I felt an allergic reaction to the thought of having to tell him for the second time in his life that his expiration date was rapidly approaching. The answer couldn't even be three months this time, like it had been when Naomi told him. _You have a month to live, Snake. Maybe less, maybe more...but you're a lot closer to less._

"We'll discuss everything after you rest, Snake."

I said that in hopes that his lapse in memory was temporary and that he could sleep it off but I prepared myself to go over the all the messy details of the past nine years with him again in case it wasn't that simple.

Sunny and I suggested he sleep in the living room so that I could keep an eye on him too. He began to stir after about an hour and Sunny and I stood over him as his eyes started to open. He woke with a slight start but then quickly relaxed into slightly annoyed.

"Enjoying the show?" he asked me directly since he's probably used to it from Sunny.

"Dave? Are you okay?"

"Okay as I'm going to get," the unusual amount of concern in my voice finally registered with him, "Is something wrong, Otacon?"

"You didn't remember us earlier."

"What?"

"Sunny and I...you had no idea who we were or where you were."

He sat up and began to process my words combined with Sunny's worried expression.

"How much did I remember?"

"Nothing after about 1999. You hadn't even gone to Zanzibar Land yet."

Dave made me aware of Sunny's presence with his eyes and I urged to her to go to her room.

"It's getting worse, isn't it?" he said, once we both heard the reassuring close of her door. Though she knows about his condition in more details than she probably should at her age, it's still not one of our favorite things in the world to talk about around her.

"I'm afraid so. You scared us pretty badly. We could have lost you in a completely different way today."

"Otacon, do you remember what we discussed in the last session?"

I did. Immediately, too. I shook my head systematically before I could even fix my mouth to answer aloud.

"We're not leaving you, Dave. Not now. Not to die alone."

"I'm a dying, old man, Otacon. There's nothing left for you or Sunny here."

"There's nothing for us out there either, Dave!"

I felt myself drawing from the same defenses I had when we had talked about it the first, second, and third times. "I left someone I cared about once in my life. I'm not doing it again."

"I scare Sunny. She's never going to get the image of me collapsing in front of her that day out her head, Otacon. I don't want to be responsible for any therapists she has to see when she gets older."

"Sunny's resilient. You know that. It would traumatize her more if she couldn't be here with you."

"What about you?"

I sighed. _What about me?_

"I'll find something to do with myself, I guess. I'm kind of used to this procedure of saying 'goodbye' by now."

I felt his heavy hand come down on my shoulder and pat it twice. When I turned around to face him, he was disappearing down the hall, behind the door of his bedroom.

That was three days ago. I feel like at this point, there's truly nothing we can do. We're playing the waiting game, hoping in the mornings that when we get up that Dave will too, just for one more day. I really hope what Chloe said was true, about people not knowing what they're capable of handling until they're staring it in the face because... I can see it.


	15. Let Go

_Let Go_

* * *

_Entry 15:_

Dave passed about two and a half weeks ago. I haven't been able to get my thoughts together enough to form complete sentences much less write about it. Thinking back to the days prior to it, he knew his time was short. The 20 to 30 minute sessions I'd usually have with him turned into something that he would stretch to last half the day like he knew he might not have tomorrow to finish it.

The morning of, Sunny came running into my room shaking me out of sleep. But it wasn't until she said, "I can't find Uncle Dave!" that I was immediately sobered. It was still dark out when we started driving around, searching the city for Dave. I had no idea where he'd go until at a red light, my thoughts drifted back to one of our sessions where he had mentioned passing by Elkins Pointe, which isn't a particularly fascinating spot but one that strangely intrigued him. It's a large, grassy field outside of town that stretches for miles in every direction and has the main purpose of serving as a spot for an outdoor concert or two every several years.

The sun was starting to come up by the time Sunny and I got to Elkins. I spotted Dave immediately and let out a huge breath I had been holding since I had gotten into the car and signaled for her to stay behind before I got out.

I knew he felt me coming even though he had his back to the direction I was coming from.

"Is Sunny with you?" he asked.

I looked behind me. She looked ready to jump out of the car at the slightest signal to.

"Yeah, she is. C'mon, Dave," I put my hand on his shoulder, "Let's get back."

"I didn't think I'd see her turn 7."

I had never heard Dave talk about Sunny with that tone before. It was quietly retrospective, like he had made it a point to watch her grow over the years just as much as I had.

"When Jack rescued her from The Patriots, I don't think we even thought about her being 7. We had to try and figure out what to do with a 3-year-old."

"You were really great with her. She's so compassionate and caring because of you, Otacon."

"I can't take all the credit, Uncle Dave. She certainly didn't get her backbone from me."

I looked out to where he was looking, which was the sunrise, and realized why he hadn't looked at me the whole time we had been standing there. Although it's a place with nothing special about it, it seems like the sun certainly doesn't know that and chooses to rise the most breathtakingly over that spot. Or maybe it just did it for us on that particular morning.

"I've never seen the sun rise without a gun in my hand or bullets whizzing past me." His words felt strangely confessional.

"I can't imagine what that's like."

"This would only be made better by a cigarette right now."

"Well, if you want to fight Sunny over it, be my guest."

He shook his head.

"No." He looked at me, "Otacon, thank you."

"Huh? For what?"

"For sticking around...when you didn't have to."

"Where else was I going to go? You're my best friend, Dave. I told you that I was going to be here until the end and I meant that."

"Not only in the past few months. Look, I know it hasn't been easy. You've watched a lot of people you care about die, and I'm sorry about that."

Wolf, Emma, and Naomi. Those were the people he were talking about. I breathed out any thoughts of them for the moment, though, and tried to place where from inside of him his voice and words were coming from. My heart palpitate in the same way it does when you know you're about to crash head first into an oncoming car or in my case, reality. I felt like I needed to talk over the thumping in my chest so he wouldn't hear it.

"Don't tell me you're getting soft on me, Dave. I mean, not after nine years of telling me to suck it up."

My humor was almost always lost on Dave, but there was something different about his blunt rejection of it this time.

"Do you have any regrets about anything, Otacon?"

"Regrets? No. Someone once said to me that you shouldn't regret the things you can't change. We did good, Dave. It might not have always felt like it, but we did. We corrected our mistakes, we answered for our sins, and we saw every fight we've ever taken on through to the very end. It might not have always been pretty or moral or...without casualties, but it was all we had and all we could do and I don't regret that."

In the silence between us, the words sunk in for him. I know they did. I watched them.

"Yeah," he said once he couldn't find a single part to disagree with himself.

The morning had set into the sky for good and looking back to the car, I could see Sunny sleeping, head hammocked in the pocket of the seat belt that was still attached across her.

"We should go." I told him. This time, Dave nodded and began walking with me towards the car. It wasn't long before I noticed him slow down first and then, completely stop. I stopped too as an automatic response and he suddenly fell hard onto his knees, clutching his midsection with the agony of someone holding their insides in place. The car door slammed in the distance as Sunny leapt out, almost falling herself in her attempt to get to him.

"Dave, get up!"

For the first time in my life, I wasn't pleading with Dave to do anything. I was demanding it. I was demanding for him to not die on me. Not yet. I put his arm around my neck and did my best to get him up but his body went into a fit and began to convulse. As I laid him down, Sunny locked in place and watched Dave's body twist and wrench on the ground in a pain that must have been shooting and radiating through his entire body now.

"Sunny, I need you to make sure he doesn't hurt his head, okay?"

She reacted immediately and put his head in her lap, holding him lightly by the chest. It wasn't the first battle I had only been able to watch Dave in but it was first one that I felt he was truly losing. After a moment, his body relaxed again, but he immediately slipped into unconsciousness.

"Uncle Dave!" Sunny began to cry and shake him. She was the reacting the way I wanted to, the way I felt.

His eyes eventually opened but, there wasn't a whole lot behind them. They vacantly searched back and forth between me and Sunny.

"Where...where am I?"

"Don't talk, Dave. We're going to get you to a hospital, okay?"

"I'll be dead by the time I get there, Otacon."

"No! I can still save you!"

"Otacon...no, Hal. You're going to be fine without me. You're a lot stronger than you think you are."

"Dave, stop it!"

"I don't think you ever needed me half as much as I needed you."

"That's not true."

I didn't bother to try and turn away from Sunny when I started to cry. I didn't care if she saw me anymore. I was losing my best friend.

"You're not alone anymore, Hal." He looked to Sunny and smiled which was in stark contrast to her red, sobbing face, "You have someone to live for now. Isn't that what you always wanted?"

Sunny buried her face into Dave's chest and he put his arm around her.

"Don't cry, Sunny. You should save your tears for a better soul."

I don't know if she understood what he said to her but it made her sob even harder and pull the looseness of his shirt around her face.

"I never wanted this!" I said, the line between anger and grief not clear to me anymore, "I'm tired of losing all the people I care about. I can't do this. I can't say goodbye anymore."

"Hal..." Dave reached out to me and I grabbed his hand, something he wouldn't have ever allowed under normal circumstances but this wasn't normal circumstances. I watched him fight with the words for a moment before he gathered the strength to say them.

"Let...me...go."

I couldn't comprehend it and I shook him with everything in me when he began to slip away. I tried to call him back; I begged, pleaded, made deals with anyone who would listen to see his eyes open, his chest move, and him growl out 'pull it together for the sake of...' whatever. It wasn't until I felt Sunny's hands on my shoulders that I stopped. She was telling me to let go, too. I watched his grip fall loose from mine as I made my last, silent, useless pleas to him. But, I knew it was in vain. He was already gone.

I've never felt my own life or the things around me ever mean less than they do right now. I don't know why Dave thought I could handle this.

I am not living.

Or moving on.

Or surviving.

Or letting go.

Or 'taking it well.'

…I am breaking.


	16. Bury Me With It

_Bury Me With It_

* * *

_Entry 16:_

Up until a few days ago, I didn't realize I didn't actually remember anything about Dave's burial. It's been coming back to me in pieces through colors I see or words I hear. I pushed it so far back, I don't think I'll ever retrieve all of it. It'll most likely be the small stuff that gets lost like the kind of and color flowers that Meryl put on his grave. All I can see are the stems.

I don't know what to do with myself and I feel like there's something wrong with me. Sometimes, I walk around the house aimlessly. I get it in my head that I'm looking for something...I just never know what that thing is. I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, I can't talk about it. Oh God, I can't talk about it. I can't go down the hallway. I can't go in his fucking room. I can't think about the future because I don't know if I even want to be here for it.

And Sunny...Sunny doesn't look at me the same way now. I don't think she wants to be here anymore. Not with me. I think she's going to leave soon. I won't blame her if she does.

_A/N: Okay, we're a little past the halfway point in the story. I've been overwhelmed with all the awesome reviews and words I've been recieving from people. So, thank you times a million. And yeah, we're back to short chapters. Again, just hang with me...they get longer! --Amanda_


	17. You Can Do Better Than Me

_You Can Do Better Than Me_

* * *

_Entry 17_:

Last night, Sunny came to me and asked me if I was going to send her to go live with Jack and Rosemary. She said I didn't seem like I wanted her around anymore.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you're always sad now, Uncle Hal, and at the burial, Rose told me that if you stayed sad for too long that it might be best to come and live with them."

She went on to highlight some more of my impressive characteristic developments over the weeks like rarely coming out of my bedroom, not leaving the house at all, and crying for no reason.

"Do you _want_ to go and live with them? It's okay if you do, Sunny. I won't be mad." I felt my heart sink into that oh-so familiar place it did whenever I had to watch someone leave my life.

There wasn't a hint of hesitation in her voice. "No. I wanna stay with you, Uncle Hal."

I hugged her the tightest I think I ever have and told her that I would try and be myself again and that everything was going to be okay now.

What in the hell have I been doing to her? To myself? The damage to myself has been the damage to her, they're one in the same now. I can't even retrace the exact conditions it took for me to wreck so hard or even the precise moment it all happened, only looking and trying to pull her out of the devastation I created.

_Pull it together for the sake of Sunny, Otacon_.


	18. Cemetery Drive

_Cemetery Drive_

* * *

_Entry 18:_

I went back to work on the book today. It was hard to do, especially listening over the recordings of me and Dave's sessions. I can't listen to them for too long; it stirs up too much in me still, but it's been therapeutic in a way. In the process, things from the burial have finally started to come back to me in an enormous flow of vivid details...some of which I could stand to not remember.

The day after Dave died, I couldn't get my head together enough to call anyone to let them know what happened so Sunny took the liberty of emailing them. Luckily, though, I had been thinking enough before everything spiraled to already have pulled the strings necessary to have him buried in Fall River, Massachusetts in the same graveyard with The Boss, EVA, and Big Boss.

By the time our flight landed in Fall River and we got to the cemetery, Roy Campbell was already there. He looked somber enough to look like he was honoring a soldier but distraught enough to look like he was mourning a friend. When he saw me, his eyebrows raised and lowered in what I could tell he thought was a subtle manner.

"You look like hell, Hal."

"I've been through it."

"Maybe you should go back to your hotel for a while. Sleep off the jet lag."

"You know I can't do that. I have to be here."

Campbell's attention strayed to Dave's head stone, which was essentially a gray slab that bared nothing but years. '1972-2014'.

"Are they going to add more?" He asked, perhaps already knowing the answer himself.

"No. They wouldn't have even added that if it wasn't required by law. Apparently, they can't leave it completely blank. Dave died as a villain to this world even though he saved it."

"How'd you even get the plot for this cemetery, then?"

"The same way everyone does, I paid for it. Only difference is they made me pay three times the amount."

"I thought things would change after we destroyed the AIs."

"They are changing, Roy, just not as quickly as we thought."

Roy and I saw his daughter come in at the same time. Meryl looked like she was in mourning as a widow, dressed in all black, even with her husband, Johnny, walking next to her. They both greeted her father and then she looked at me almost the same way he had.

"Hal...are you okay?"

"I've been better." I could tell I had only responded to part of the nature in which her question was asked.

"I think we all have."

Sunny let go of my hand and ran to Rose, Jack and John as soon as she saw them. Jack scooped her up and she clung to around his neck. I knew she was letting all the emotions she wouldn't show around me out to him, to someone she thought was strong enough to handle it. Rose leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, offering the usual things you say to a 7-year-old in that situation. I had a moment were I let that snapshot make me question if it was selfish to make Sunny stay with me.

"You're doing good with her, Hal."

"She needs a family, Meryl. Who am I to raise a kid? My childhood was completely warped. Besides, 'Uncle Hal' is going to suffice only until she realizes the normal is to have a mom and a dad."

"Okay, say she does think that having a mom and dad are the norm. Do you really think she's going to care? Nothing's ever been normal in that little girl's life. She lived in a carrier plane until about three months ago and was living with a dying mercenary and an engineer who she helped save the world with. I think a mom and dad would be as strange to her as her situation would be to anyone else."

Her voice caught when she looked at Dave's grave which might have been the first time since she had gotten there. She carefully laid down the hefty bouquet of red roses she had been toting and stepped back.

"He told me before he died that the days he hurt you were the worst ones he could ever remember having."

She blinked. "Dave...Dave said that?"

Before I could answer, my vision blurred, even more than it does without my glasses on. Meryl's hands suddenly moved to steady me by the waist.

"Hal," her volume and tone implied that that hadn't been the first time she had tried to get my attention, "do you need to sit down or something?"

"No, why?"

"Because you look like you're about to fall over."

"I'm just a little tired. I'll be able to sleep after everything is over and done with."

I hadn't seen Mei Ling come in and was a little startled by her voice when she spoke from behind me.

"It's strange how a death brings the living together."

"I thought you were going to be in Hawaii until next month?" Campbell said, accepting a hug from her.

"When I got the email from Sunny, I made the time to take off to come here. It's hard to believe he's really gone," she said, looking at the grave, "but I think he's finally found the peace he was looking for."

I wanted to ask Meryl, Mei Ling, and Campbell if the ground was spinning for them as well but I figured it wasn't. I tried to shake it off and looked up just in time to see Sunny leading Jack by the hand over to Dave's grave. Mei Ling called my name and a string of other words that I couldn't hear over the static buzzing in my ears. I even felt her shake my arm but I could only partly see her worried face through the sudden tunnel vision.

Then, everything went black.

I knew something had happened when I saw Mei Ling's face again, her hand fanning me with a thin book of some sort. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was a coloring book, probably John's since I couldn't remember ever buying one like that for Sunny. I was sitting against a tree with more eyes on me than I felt comfortable having watch me knowing I had most likely just made an ass out of myself. The one pair of eyes I noticed was missing were Sunny's.

"Where is she?"

A pair of hands pushed me back to the tree. They were Jack's.

"Sunny's with my wife, Hal. Don't worry about her."

"What happened?"

"You gave us a scare," Mei Ling answered me, still moving the air around me with the book, "You completely blacked out for a minute. Maybe we should get you looked at..."

"No, I'm fine. I guess I'm just more tired than I thought I was."

Mei Ling frowned slightly, perhaps in preparation to scold me, until Meryl appeared beside her.

"Hal," Meryl almost whispered to me, "are you okay to stand? I think Sunny needs to see that you're alright. She's really upset."

As soon as I was on my feet, Sunny rushed into me and clasped her arms tightly around my midsection.

"Uncle Hal, you scared me."

"I'm sorry, Sunny. I didn't mean to."

She paused and looked up at me, "You fell the same way Uncle Dave did that day."

The possible trauma Sunny had received watching me go down like a ton of bricks took immediate priority over how I thought it looked to everyone else. After I convinced everyone I was okay to drive, I knew we had to leave that place.

I sat in the rental car as Sunny said her goodbyes to everyone, silently wishing we were already back on the plane to home. Looking at Dave's grave only reminded me how much I had been failing as a human since he had been gone.

When we got back, I sank lower than Sunny should have ever seen me go. I locked myself away in my bedroom because I didn't think she'd be able to see me. Many times, I thought about contacting Rose and Jack and telling them to come get her or even sticking her on a plane and shipping her to them myself. I justified it by telling myself that it was what was best for her in the long run, being raised in a stable household with a ready-made younger brother. But no matter how harmless my intentions, I was trying to get rid of her and when she told me what Rose had said to her at the graveyard, I instantly hated myself and the thought of that ever happening.

I'm still lost as to what I'm supposed to do here or if I'm even doing this right. I've looked to the Internet and read books about anything I've ever been unsure about and it's caused me second handedly live nearly my entire life. But, I can't do that with Sunny. She is not an experiment, a project, or something I can plug information about into a computer and get answers for. She's the first real mind I've ever been responsible for shaping, the first personality I've ever been able to watch develop, and the first life I've been capable of making a difference in. I may not do any of it perfectly but I am going to do this. Sunny is not going anywhere.


	19. Ever Present Past

_Ever Present Past_

* * *

_Entry 19:_

I decided I wanted to go to Elkins Pointe so a few days ago, Sunny and I went back for the first time since Dave's death. It didn't feel nearly as daunting as I thought it was going to. I actually thought more about our conversation there than the events that had followed it. The original plan wasn't to stay out there as long as we did—until sunset—but after a while, it seemed like a good idea to watch it. Somehow, I ended up telling Sunny how Dave I had met at Shadow Moses which somehow or another turned into a conversation about my family and my past. I had never even talked about it with Dave so I still don't know why I felt like Sunny should know.

"Why did you have a step mom but a real dad?"

"Because when I was really young, my mom and dad got a divorce and I chose to live with him."

"Didn't you love your mommy?"

Since Sunny never knew Olga, I've noticed that sometimes she doesn't understand why people would decide to not want to talk to or have anything to do with their mothers because she knows she's never going to get the chance to make that decision for herself.

"Yes, I did but she didn't really love me."

Her voice suddenly dripped with saddened curiosity. "Why didn't your mommy love you?"

"I don't know, Sunny. There are all kinds of people in the world. I try not to think about it too much."

"Was your step mom nicer to you?"

I didn't want to think about Julie either. Between my real mom and my step mom, I don't know who's the lesser of the two evils: the one who didn't love me at all or the one who loved me in all the wrong ways.

"Yes, but...she and I had a lot of problems."

"What kind of problems?"

"I'll tell you when you're older."

Surprisingly, she accepted that. "Is that when you met Emma?"

"Yeah, that's when I met Emma. At first, I didn't like the idea of having to share my father with her. He was all I had. But, then I realized that we both felt like extra baggage in our parents' new lives and we became best friends. After my father died, I got really scared and ran away from her, though."

"You ran away from home?"

"Yeah, exactly and just when Emma needed me the most." The guilt I thought I had successfully sorted out years ago slipped back into my voice. I cleared my throat to give me time to get rid of it, "But, I saw her again years later and she forgave me before she died."

Silently, her little mind had been actively subtracting away everyone I talked about and I could tell she found her conclusion a bit unsettling.

"You don't have a family, Uncle Hal?"

"That's not true anymore, Sunny. I have you now."

She smiled at me, but only for a moment. Her eyes followed the sun as the last corner of it tucked away into the trees.

"I wish I could have known my mother."

"I wish you could have, too. Sunny," I looked at her, "I didn't know Olga very well but I do know that she was a really brave woman and that she cared about you more than anything."

One day, I'll tell her just how much—enough to die for her.

Earlier today, I got an email from a friend of my mother's who I've kept very loose contact with over the years despite my obvious avoidance of Stephanie, my mother. She informed me that she, my mom, had fallen very ill over the past few months and would probably be dying soon. In so many words, she also suggested that I come and visit her and make whatever amends I had to before it's too late.

This must be what people are talking about when they say 'the irony of life'. My mother, Stephanie Emmerich, vicariously pulling my strings even from her deathbed. I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about this. Part of me wishes I would have never read it while the other part wants to book a flight to New Mexico, where the email said she was now. Do I even have anything to say to her at this point in my life? What do you say to the woman who told you she was going to put you up for adoption if your father didn't want you?

I can't even greatly exaggerate one semi-pleasant experience from my childhood with her enough to justify me going to see her. What I can seem to recall without much effort, though, is every undeserved slap across my face, every time she told me she didn't want me and never did, every conversation I overheard her have where she said she didn't have a son...and I bet she doesn't remember any of it. I almost wish she would have been a drunk or a pill popper...at least she would have had an excuse for being so terrible to me.


	20. Adjustment Periods

_Adjustment Periods_

* * *

_Entry 20:_

I came across this online today. I'm not sure how since I wasn't looking for anything even remotely relating to it. It's part of a much longer article but this section really caught my eye.

_The time spent trying to find a new normal, usually after the death of a loved one, loss of a job, or any other major life-altering event is known as an adjustment period. Adjustment periods may last weeks or sometimes even months and may affect everyone in your household, especially young children. These times are often stressful but are made easier by the help and love of friends and family. When the process of adjusting becomes too much, some people choose to seek professional help._

Adjustment periods? I'm far past 'adjusting' now. You adjust a belt. You adjust to seeing someone with shorter or different colored hair. I wonder what they'd called the process of my whole world shifting in order to incorporate the life of someone new while accepting the loss of another?


	21. Take Me Out

_Take Me Out_

* * *

_Entry 21:_

Sunny had been begging me to go to the park for a few weeks. I think she was getting restless of staying in the house and seeing on TV what the kids her age in the rest of the world do. So yesterday, taking a break from the book, I broke down and agreed to take her.

That's the first since I was maybe Sunny's age myself that I've been around such a large gathering of children. But as slightly awkward as it was for me, I know it had to be a universe of a different kind for Sunny. For a while, we stopped at, observed, and passed by every piece of playing equipment the place had to offer in search of the kids who 'looked the friendliest' to her. It wasn't until one little girl with almost platinum blonde ponytails came up to Sunny and complimented her on her 'really cool socks' that we stopped near a huge contraption with slides coming off the sides and swings hanging from them. I took the bench closest to it, returning all the waves Sunny gave me whenever she'd do something she wanted me to share her excitement in. For a moment, I got lost in thinking about my mother and my situation with her until I realized Chloe was calling me and waving feverishly at me from across the park. Even as thick as the air was with children and playground sounds, I still momentarily wondered where I was having never associated Chloe someplace other than the coffee shop.

I felt my hands start to fidget and words from my vocabulary start to float away when she sat down next to me. I watched her as her eyes traced the paths of a boy and girl, both them stopping at the swings.

"Your...kids?" I asked, feeling the inability to start small talk with her rear its ugly head.

"Oh, heavens no." she said through a laugh, "My brother and sister are in town for a wedding and I'm spending some time with my niece and nephew before they go back. They've been with me just about all day. The boy is Dominic, my sister's son and the girl is Spencer, my brother's daughter. Sweet kids, around Sunny's age I think."

Just then, Sunny turned her attention to me again but waved to Chloe instead when she saw her.

"She's just as precious as I remember her being." Chloe smiled and waved back at Sunny until she turned her attention back to her new friend. "I haven't seen you guys in at Serenity's for a while. It isn't because of that night..."

The night she was talking about took no time at all to come back to me and send a small charge of electricity to my lips again as a reminder.

"No, it definitely wasn't that. I just haven't had the time to make it by there."

"Oh, that's good." she said, relief riding on her words, "That's really good because, uh—Hal, do you want to have dinner with me sometime?"

"Like a date?"

"Yeah." My slowness to respond visibly unnerved her.

"I'd love to, Chloe, but when I said that I hadn't had the time to make it by the shop, I meant that it was because Dave died not so long ago."

"Oh God, Hal." She cupped her hands over her mouth and gasped into them. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea. How are you holding up?"

Her eyes, her face, the way she effortlessly reached over to touch my arm before I could say anything, and even the way she tilted her head to accept whatever answer I had was more honest than I had been being with anyone in the past few weeks.

"I'm…okay." That felt good. I was 'myself again' for Sunny, and I was 'only tired' for anyone else who asked me. But for Chloe, I could just be honest. "Most days, I feel like I've accepted everything but every once in a while, I feel like I could buy the plot next to him and bury myself in it."

"It's okay to feel that way. Accepting it doesn't mean you can't still have those days."

I was going to tell her that she sounded like she was speaking from experience but her cell phone chimed and she fumbled around in her purse to answer it. When she got off, she waved her niece and nephew over to her.

"Seems like my brother and sister want their kids back." She put her hand on my shoulder and then lightly pressed her lips on my cheek. "It was really good to see you Hal and again, I'm really sorry about Dave. I know you and your daughter are going to be okay, though."

Chloe looked back at me one more time as she left the park with her niece and nephew, delivering a painful reminder that I had just turned her down for a date. I'm pretty sure she was thinking, _Hal, you are a jackass_. But then again, that could have been my own internal monologue.

As greatly as I've been resisting the urge to kick myself, I know (perhaps more than ever) that I have a lot of things to work out right now. I'm screwed up in ways I'm just beginning to discover and I wouldn't dare want to bring more people into this than there has to be.


	22. When I Grow Up

_When I Grow Up_

* * *

_Entry 22:_

I find it amazing that whatever thing or gene you're born with that makes you strive to get your parents' approval and acceptance is never suppressed throughout your life. No matter how abused, mistreated, or abandoned you've been by them, you never stop at wanting to make them proud.

The only reason I wanted to or even thought about going to New Mexico to see my mother was to hear her tell me that she thought I was doing good with Sunny. I didn't want closure as much as I wanted to see her face light up when I explained to her that even though I had never tried to take care of anything that didn't come with a 30 day warranty, I was taking this on. And then, from somewhere within her where she still held onto the smallest part of me as her son, I wanted her to say, "I'm proud of you, Hal."

These hopes and illusions of acceptance carried me all the way to purchasing plane tickets to Santa Fe. When Sunny realized we were going on a trip, she got excited and began shooting questions at me 100 miles per hour about where we were going, when we were going, and who we were going to see. When I told her our trip was in order to visit my mother, her excitement cooled considerably.

"We're going to see your mother?"

"Yes. I found out she's really sick so I wanted to go and see her."

"Didn't you say she didn't love you?"

"Yes, but, sometimes people change and I think that maybe once she realizes I've grown up, things will be different between us."

"But when you talk about her, she makes you so sad." She paused, choosing her words carefully. "She didn't care about you when you were little and I don't want her to hurt you even though you're a grown-up now, Uncle Hal. What if we go to see her and she still doesn't love you?"

As quickly as my senses had strayed from me, they snapped back. It took her youthful wisdom to remind me that my mother hadn't changed and that even if I truly thought she had, it wasn't worth the risk of finding out. The money for the tickets are already gone but it doesn't matter. The money lost there isn't nearly as much as I might have lost facing my mother again in my temporarily naive state. I emailed our go between and told her to give Stephanie my best. I wasn't coming to do it.

I'm even more happy we didn't go now (besides the obvious reasons). Sunny sounds like she's coming down with a cold. I'm sure globetrotting's the last thing she needs right now.


	23. Misery

_Misery_

* * *

_Entry 23:_

Sunny's been absolutely miserable for the past few days. She's been adjusting the thermostat between the temperatures of Antarctica and hell and staying in bed mostly but telling me that she's not sick. Her body is being attacked by something awful and I hate watching her suffer. I'm going to make a doctor's appointment on Wednesday if she's not better by then.

Everything lately seems to be drudging up random stuff from my childhood that I haven't thought about in years. Stuff that I've worked damn hard at trying to put behind me. Sunny being sick reminded me of when I was about six or so, right before my parents' divorced finalized.

It was winter and I was going back and forth between my dad's and my mom's due to him having moved out. Somewhere between the 'every other week' transportation between houses, I caught the worst flu of my entire life. I remember wanting to be at my dad's more than anything...but since the symptoms had kicked in at my mom's, they both agreed that it would be best for me to just stay there until I got better. I hated that and I still remember clinging to my dad's arm as he was about to go out of door at my mom's. He finally picked me up and I hugged him and closed my eyes, waiting for the both of us to leave and go out to his truck. But instead, he whispered to me, "Just a little longer, Hal." and gently sat me back down though I felt as if he had just thrown me into a wall.

My dad...he knew how Stephanie was to a certain extent. It's not like I hadn't tried to tell him in every way a six year old knows how to but he believed too much that there was still good in her. He had apparently seen it years before and I didn't doubt that it had been there at some point. He had married her after all and I knew he wouldn't have married a monster. She had become that over time.

As soon as he left and his truck rumbled out of earshot, she turned to me sharply and got in my face.

"You know what, Hal? I don't think you're sick at all." Her voice was sickly sweet, but filtered through venom. "Your poor father may believe that but I don't. Not for a second."

She made me carry on doing chores and going to school like I was fine. There wasn't anything I could do at home but as she said, all while coughing, sneezing, and wheezing through it. But at school after my second day of sleeping in class just about the entire day, my teacher sent me to the nurse's.

As soon as I walked through her door, she took my temperature and looked at her results on her thermometer in horror.

"Hal, honey," she said, her cheeks even more flushed than I imagine mine were, "you shouldn't be at school. You have a fever of 103. I need to call your mom."

"She's at work." I quickly said to discourage her. I knew my mom was at home, probably talking to her friends, giving them all the smiles she never saved for me.

"Well, is there anyone who can come and pick you up?"

I wanted to tell her my dad, but I knew things would only get worse for me if I did that. I shook my head.

"Older brother or sister? Aunt or uncle?"

"No."

The nurse sighed, her whole short, stocky body moving as she did it. I followed her into a back room with a few beds in it. "Just lie in here until I can get in touch with your mother, okay?"

"But...she works all day."

"Do you know her work number?"

"No."

When she left the room, my senses immediately shut off. That cot/bed thing I was on wasn't very comfortable...and the white, brick walls of that tiny room wasn't very inviting but I remember it feeling better to me than the bed in my room at my mom's. When I woke up, I heard the nurse filling the echos of her office with words in a tone as sweet and seething as candy daggers. When I peeked out, she was just slamming down the phone, tapping her fingers in an anger and frustration that I could tell would come out in a full scream if she were anywhere else but an elementary school. She calmed when she turned around to look at me.

"Well, it seems your mother's a very difficult woman, Hal."

"You...called her?"

"Yes, I did," she answered me, sounding as if she regretting doing it as much I as I did, "I have never met a woman so...," she caught herself and smiled out the rest of what she was thinking. "Hal, if she sends you to school tomorrow, don't go to class. Come straight back here, okay?"

My insides twisted together the whole way back home on the bus. When I got there, she was waiting for me, sitting in a chair adjacent from the door. Her legs were crossed and her eyes were smoldered emerald orbs. For a minute, she didn't say anything but I couldn't bring myself to walk past her to my room either in pretend ignorance of the day's events.

"That was a cute trick you pulled today at school, Hal."

"I...I tried to tell her you weren't here." My voice wouldn't go any louder than a hoarse whimper and that was only partly due to me being sick.

"Did you tell her anything about me?"

"Nothing. I didn't tell her anything."

"Well, you can tell her whatever you like. She'll probably called social services, have them take you away. You won't get to see your daddy for a very long time, then."

When I started to cry, she looked away from me and waved me away like a tray of tasteless food.

"Get out of my face with that," she said and I hurried to do so.

The next day, when she sent me to school, I went straight to the nurse's office like I had been told to. When she saw me, all she could do was shake her head in pity for me.

"How are you feeling today?"

I shrugged while looking at the floor, afraid of anything I might say that would fuel her to call social services. She leaned forward, and lifted my head by my chin to meet her frosty blue eyes, speckled in warm bronze.

"Hal," she rolled softly, "did your mother say something to you when you went home yesterday?"

I shook my head, blinking tightly to hold back from crying. It only made my nose stuffier and harder to breathe through with my flu.

"It's okay, you can tell me."

"Are you going to call social services?"

Her face stone walled immediately to stark seriousness.

"Do I have a reason to? Does she hit you, Hal?" She spoke in a tone that almost begged me to say yes so that she could take matters into her own broad, stubby hands with my mother.

"No, she doesn't hit me."

"Then, no," she said, relaxing slightly, "I'm not going to call social services. There's not much they can do about her being an unpleasant soul. Where'd you hear that from?"

"I don't know."

She felt around my face with her hand. "Well, your fever is coming down but, it's still not gone." She grabbed a white bag off the floor next to her and pulled out a bottle of acetaminophen that shook slightly in her attempt to unbox it. "I'm not supposed to give you anything your mom didn't bring in but, we'll make an exception just this once, okay?"

Throughout the day, I listened to other kids pass through the office with skinned knees, bloody noses, head aches, and stomach aches. Most of the time, her treatment for them gaged by their age. Anyone in the lower grades got a call home...almost no matter what it was. But the fifth graders, they got a 'big kids tough it out' speech and a pass back to class. Around the lunch hour, it swelled with kids trying to create their own half days by faking an illness. But, no matter how busy it got, she always took the time to look in on me in the room, occasionally feel around my face to quickly check my fever, and offer me a smile before she left. I think that was when I realized that my mother had been doing the nurturing thing wrong all this time.

After a week or so of the nurse taking care of me during school hours, my flu finally went away and soon after that, my parents' divorce finalized. The courts gave my dad full custody and I turned seven that year knowing I would never see my mother again, not feeling a bit of sadness at the thought. I never told my dad about any of what had happened...the effort to recall the details wasn't worth his reaction of half-heartedly accepting and believing what I said about Stephanie. Everything that didn't 'heal with time' locked away in a vault somewhere in me, collecting the pressure and heat it needed to implode like it did a few weeks ago with my mom's apparitional harassment.

I hope she's damn happy...wherever she is or is going. I refuse to let her make me feel like I'm six all over again.


	24. Panic Song

_Panic Song_

* * *

_Entry 24:_

I've always heard that sometimes it's best to 'wait it out' when it comes to children being sick. I guess that was the approach I was taking with Sunny until she started vomiting. I was pretty close to rushing her straight to the emergency room. But since she had only done it once, Mei Ling talked me out of it and told me she probably had the flu.

Sunny's never been to a doctor's office before. She's never had a need to go because she's never really been sick. The pediatrician's waiting areas were friendly looking enough with brightly colored wallpaper and seats and chairs in the shape of animals, but the starch and sterile white examination room sent a small charge of fear through Sunny. The doctor came in, took a little more than a half a look at her, and confirmed Mei Ling's diagnoses. He wrote her prescriptions for about three different medications—none of which I can pronounce—and told me she should be back to herself in about a week.

For a week, like clock work, I made sure Sunny took the medicine the same time everyday and did all the other things the doctor said to do as well (bed rest, plenty of fluids). The medicine, though I'm not sure which one exactly, knocked her out for the most part but in the few moments of the day where she was awake, her recovery was slow and barely noticeable.

About three days after the doctor's time frame for her to be 'back to herself' passed, I silently began to panic. I could imagine myself doing all the wrong things from not giving her the right fluids to drink to not measuring out the medicine right. I reached a breaking point when the medicine was about to run out and decided to call Mei Ling. I got this idea at the most unfriendly hours of the night but fortunately, I knew it wasn't anywhere near that time where she was. She answered the phone with worry in her voice at my unusual calling hours.

"Hal, is everything okay?" she said, skipping over the standard greeting, "It's gotta be like...two in the morning there."

"Three actually. It's Sunny. She's still really sick."

"She has the flu, Hal. Those things don't go away overnight. Did you take her to the doctor?"

"Yeah, I did and he said that she'd be okay with the medicine in a week. It's been over a week now and she's still not 'back to herself'" the voice of the doctor reverberating in my head as I spoke his words, "What if I'm doing something wrong or what if she doesn't have the flu at all, Mei Ling? What if she's got something more serious than that and we've been treating the stupid flu! I saw something online today and it said—"

"Hal, calm down, okay? Sunny's going to be fine. Didn't you say this is her first time being sick?"

"Yeah."

"Well, her body's taking a little longer to fight it off, that's all." Under any other circumstances, I think I could have come to that conclusion on my own. "Besides", she continued, "the medication isn't meant to cure the flu, it's to ease the symptoms. It's going to take more than that to get her better."

"Like what?"

"Like you."

I sighed at the thought of Mei Ling speaking in her Chinese proverbs-esque circles to me at a time like this. "What does that mean?"

"It means stop feeding her medicine, get off the Internet, and go be her parent, Hal."

I can't say her advice hit me it in an epiphany like manner but it did make more sense than I had been making on my own in the days prior. When I opened Sunny's door to look in on her, I was surprised that she was actually awake.

"How are you feeling?"

She coughed heavily and then groaned as a response. I stepped in and and sat next to her on the bed.

"I thought you were working on your book, Uncle Hal?"

"Well, I'm finished for right now."

"I don't have to take anymore medicine right now do I?"

"No, no more medicine right now."

"I hate being sick." She scrunched her nose in a sniffle when she heard her voice come through it.

"I know you do."

"When will it be gone?"

"Soon," I said and then smiled, "And a lot sooner than the flu Dave had a few years ago."

"I didn't think Uncle Dave ever got the flu!"

"Well, he didn't want to believe he could get the flu either. He walked around for almost a week sneezing and coughing, denying he was sick. I tried to tell him, Meryl tried to tell him but you know how stubborn Dave is," I caught myself and quickly rerouted my thoughts before the emotions caught up with them, "was...but, we finally had to let him come to the conclusion that he was sick on his own."

"How long was he sick?"

"Well, a lot longer than he had to be because of his stubbornness but, you don't have to worry about being sick that long. You'll be better before you know it."

The words out of my mouth almost felt parental. The more we talked, the more I felt like I was sliding into the role of someone raising a child and not just housing one. I don't remember everything we talked about. Most of it would feel like nonsense under any other circumstances, but at that moment, they were the most important topics in the world. Different kinds of candy, dancing, cooking, unicorns...if she mentioned and I knew more than two words I could say about it, we talked about it. And even if I didn't know about something, I faked my way through it. It didn't matter to her and therefore, it didn't to me either. A few hours of that went by before I noticed her blinks start to get longer and eventually, the weight of sleep become too much and close her eyes all together. I eased off the bed and exited the room as quietly as I could.

When I woke up a few hours later, the first thing I did was look in on her again. She was still asleep, beads of sweat just beginning to dry from her face. I felt around her face and was thankful when I realized the fever had finally broken. Before I knew what I was doing, I instinctively peeled and moved parts of her soaked hair across her forehead to behind her ear, leaned over, and kissed her on her cheek. I knew that the decision I had made a week before hadn't been out of my own selfishness to have a family, but out of my love for her. I truly hadn't been sure which one until that moment, though. I knew what I had done was right despite the echoes from my own childhood that threatened to stop and eventually ruin me. I was holding on, even without Dave, and if for nothing else in the world but her: the sweet, sleeping, precious girl in front of me who looked after me just as much I did after her...no matter what I had done to her.

When her eyes fluttered opened, she looked surprised but happy to see me.

"Good morning, Uncle Hal."

"Good morning. How are you feeling?"

"I feel...better," she concluded almost as if she had just noticed herself.

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Uncle Hal?"

"Yes?"

"You have that look you get right before you're about to cry."

"I'm okay, Sunny," I told her, smiling to reassure her, watching it spread to her, "I'm actually very happy. I feel like I'm starting to do things right."


	25. Sunny Came Home

_Sunny Came Home_

* * *

_Entry 25:_

Adopting Sunny was a process that was made much easier by the fact that she was already living with me and in my care. The whole thing went by so quickly and smoothly I didn't even have time to worry about it enough to mention it in this journal or to anyone for that matter...except for the one other person the decision concerned. It had been a mere 'what if' scenerio that lingered in back of my mind ever since the day Chloe had called Sunny my daughter at the cafe. But, the one good that's come out of the last few weeks with my mother reemerging in my life was that it pushed my decision to go through with the adoption. After that, I gave as much thought to it as someone gives jumping off a cliff, the consequences not being all that different actually. I either do this and get us to safely land or we completely crash and burn. Either way, I still know what I'm doing is crazy...but I feel I'm prepared for either outcome now.

A few days ago, with Sunny completely over the flu, I thought it might be a good idea to sit her down and go over once again everything that was happening. And after her spending most of her previous days coughing and sneezing in the air of the house, I thought it would be an even better idea to take her for something to eat in order to welcome back her appetite in the process.

We settled on an outdoor burger place that we had passed by a number of times and made comments about eating at one day but never had gotten around to it. As soon as the waitress left the table with our order, I began.

"Sunny, do you remember what we talked about a few weeks ago?"

"You adopting me?"

"Exactly. It's going to be finalized in about a week and I just want to make sure you understand what's happening."

"I know. You're officially and legally becoming my guardian."

It was almost word for word what I had said to explain it to her. In reality, however, it was only about as legal as forging papers from Olga that expressed that I take care of Sunny if anything was to happen to her gets.

"Right. But, you don't ever have to call me 'dad' or anything if you don't want to."

"Is it okay if I still call you 'Uncle Hal'?"

"Of course."

"And this means my last name will be Emmerich too, right?"

"Yes, it does. Are you still okay with that?"

"Sunny Emmerich." She tested it, reviewing each syllable, and smiled, "Yeah, I like that. When the adoption is complete, is that when I start going to school?"

"Yep. Are you nervous?"

"A little."

"Well, you shouldn't be. You're going to be fine."

"Uncle Hal, are you going to be sad while I'm at school?"

This was something I had thought about a lot despite my attempt to look unconcerned about it. But, I feel it's time for her to venture out into that part of her childhood. Sure, there's always home school but I think that would be more for my benefit than hers in the long run. She can't stay sheltered by me forever.

"Yes, I suppose a little bit."

"Then, I don't want to go!"

"No, Sunny. It's okay. It'll only be for a few hours a day. Besides, I'll only be sad for a couple of days, then I'll get used to it. So will you."

"What if the other kids don't like me?"

"Then...then, I'll teach you some of the CQC moves that Dave tried to teach me a long time ago." I could tell she laughed more at the thought of me doing or even knowing CQC than she did at Dave trying to teach it to me, "Don't worry, you'll make a lot of friends."

"Okay, Uncle Hal. I trust you."


	26. The Best is Yet to Come

_The Best is Yet to Come_

* * *

_Entry 26:_

The adoption finally came through and Sunny is now officially Sunny Gurluckovich Emmerich. I didn't want her to lose that part of her that makes her Olga's still. Not ever. But, I can't say that her having my last name as well doesn't feel good. She's excited about starting school in a few days now and has been asking me all sorts of questions that I can only answer from my own experience in school and I know things have changed since then. I think it hit her that she was going to be going to a real school with other kids her age when we started picking out book bags. I had no idea she was a "Fairy Kingdom Princesses" kind of girl. I think Dave might have gotten a real kick out of that.

I finished the first draft of Dave's story yesterday and it's the perfect witness account to his life. I think he would have really liked it but not, of course, without pretending he didn't. I imagined him reading it as soon as the last letter was written. I know I would have caught the glimmer of a smirk as he read the last page and received a quick pat on my shoulder that may have been misread as 'good' to anyone else that saw it. But, he would know that I read it correctly as it meaning more to him than words could say. I don't think I would have wanted to see him react any other way.

I miss him a lot and selfishly wish that he was still here everyday but this is the way he wanted it to be. It was the only way for his life to end in his eyes and he knew that from the moment Naomi told him that he had three months to live. At first, I couldn't grasp the concept of why he'd want to die and if not want it, be okay with it. That must sound insane to most people but it doesn't to me anymore. I guess it takes someone who's done something crazy to understand the actions of someone else and with all things considered, I think I'm finally pretty qualified.

_I think I'm finally pulling it together, Snake._


	27. Epilogue

_Over the Years and Through the Woods_

* * *

Sunny looked up from the dining room table at her Uncle Hal once more, safely sitting out of the 'parental embarrassment zone' of the living room. She smiled at him. He didn't embarrass her. He never had. She silently pleaded him with her eyes to stand with her but he chose to stay in his spot, mouthing 'go ahead' to her instead. He wasn't good with teenagers much less a dining room full of them.

"Sunny! You only turn 17 once. Let's not spend it standing over lit candles. Plus, your birthday dinner reservations await!"

Meg, Sunny's tallest, blondest and perhaps bossiest friend, vigorously shook her car keys in her ear. Sunny breathed in and spreaded the exhaled breath over the massive amount of candles atop her cake. She laughed at the small applause that erupted from her five friends and bowed modestly.

"Good, great...okay," Meg said, stopping at the front door and turning to look at the three other girls following behind her, "Hilly, Beth, and Carly are riding with me. Sunny, you're riding with Derrick, right?"

"Actually, guys. I'm going to meet you there."

Meg shifted her weight and huffed slightly, physically unable to hid her annoyance. Sunny took her by the arms. "Meg, I know you worked really hard on these birthday plans and I promise I'll be there like 10 minutes after you guys. But, I have to talk to my Uncle first, okay?"

"Okay, okay" she wined, dropping her shoulders, "But, if you're not there 15 minutes after our butts touch the chairs of that restaurant, I'll forget the day I ever complimented you on your awesome socks at the park." It had been the same threat for years with Meg but it only got funnier to both of them the more she used it. Sunny watched her friends file out of the door and accepted a small peck on the lips from Derrick before she closed it.

"So, that's Derrick the boyfriend, huh?" Hal said from behind her.

Sunny felt her cheeks redden at the realization that he had probably seen him kiss her.

"Yeah, that's him." She interpreted the small scowl she thought she saw pulling from the left side of his face. "You hate him."

"I didn't say that."

"But you do."

"He seems like a nice kid and he makes you happy. That's all that matters."

"But," she emphasized greatly, "you hate him."

"He could use a haircut, maybe." Hal confessed, "And a shower."

"Uncle Hal, that's the 'dirty rocker boy' look. You can't shower and be a dirty rocker."

Hal shook his head and laughed as he often did when Sunny used a term or phrase that he felt wasn't hip enough to know anymore. She hadn't changed much to him in ten years though everyone else seemed to think she had. Taller maybe, longer, darker hair, and bigger brown eyes to get whatever she wanted out of him but all of it had been so gradual that he hadn't noticed them all at once until that moment, looking at her, where the number '17' finally sunk in and began to mean something to him.

"You're not seven anymore, are you?" he caught himself saying aloud with the same painful realization it had come to him in his mind with.

"Aw, Uncle Hal," she wrapped her arm around his waist and nuzzled her head between his shoulder and neck, "I know that tone. You're getting nostalgic on me. You promised you wouldn't do this."

"I know, but you're almost an adult and you're going to be going to college soon--"

"I leave for college in six months, not tomorrow."

"Well, if ten years went by as fast as they did, just think how fast that'll go by."

She squeezed his waist slightly and looked up at him. "So, is this what you wanted to give me after everyone left? A good birthday cry so I can mess up my make-up before I go to dinner with my friends?"

"No. I actually have something for you."

Hal reached into the drawer of his desk and produced a rectangular, gray gift box.

"Happy birthday, Sunny." he said as he put in her hands and took a step back. She pulled the lid off and looked back up at him.

"Wow, paper," she playfully ribbed, "You know, this kind of gift works a lot better when they're blank, Uncle Hal." she sifted through them, counting the sheets as she went, "They look like journal entries of some sort...but there's only twenty-six of them."

"They are. They're mine. They only span over about four months but they were four of the most important months of my life."

"Wouldn't you want to keep these? These seem pretty personal."

"No," he smiled thoughtfully, "They're as much yours as they are mine." He looked on quietly as Sunny began to scan over the papers.

"I had no idea you were even writing these journals. Oh my God," she looked up from the stack in her hand, "I remember this. When Chloe worked at Serenity's."

"Really? You were so young, though."

She sat down next to Hal on the sofa, "Of course I remember this. You used to drink 70 cups of coffee a week just to go in there and talk to her. I was so happy when you guys finally started dating."

"Yeah, I was too."

"What happened between you two? Seems like you just stopped seeing her one day."

"Chloe was twenty-four when we dated and I...well, I wasn't. After a few more dates, I'm sure she would have lost interest anyway. But, it's not like we didn't stay friends afterwards."

Sunny blinked. "So you ended it with her because, even though you had no grounds for reason, you thought things _might_ have gone bad?"

"Well, essentially...yes." Sunny had a way of making things that sounded perfectly reasonable in his head sound ridiculous when it came out of her mouth.

She sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. "That is the worst idea you've ever had, Uncle Hal! She really, really liked you. Hey, you know what? Chloe just opened that music store downtown and she's probably going to be down there everyday for a while. You should visit her and ask her out again!"

"Sunny...that was eight years ago. I'm sure she's married or something by now."

"Nope," she happily answered, "Asked her yesterday. She's single and she asked about you."

"Sunny..."

"Just, think about it, okay?"

He agreed, nodding reluctantly to satisfy her. As she read more of the entries, Hal watched her expressions change and silently tried to guess what line of what journal she was reading. He noticed as soon as the small streams broke loose and began to run down her face. She let out a small sob before turning the journals over in her lap and running her hands over her face.

"What is it, Sunny?"

"Uncle Dave." She said after attempting in a series of sniffles and misplaced laughs to pull herself back together, "I miss him so much. Sometimes, I think back to being in that chair in his room and wishing more than anything that I could do something to make him well."

Hal got up and walked to the window, crossing his arms in front of him. Hearing Dave's name, even so many years later made his tear ducts swell and a lump form in his throat. There was still a void there that hadn't closed the way it was supposed to over time. He had learned to live with the defectiveness of it inside him but every once in while, it presented itself. Hollow, deserted, perpetually missing the thing that used to fill it, the only thing that ever would.

"Uncle Dave and I," she continued, "we talked a lot more often than you think we did. He cared about you a lot. A lot more than he ever said to you. The day before he died, he told me that I was the greatest thing that had ever happened to you because it meant you wouldn't have to be alone anymore. I never forgot that."

"He was right." Hal's voice fought to keep steady under the pressure of being ready to crumble.

"Uncle Hal," she called to him, voice as soft as the hand she laid on his back, "maybe an out of state college isn't the best thing for me."

"What?" He turned to her, his expression newly filled with confusion, "Sunny, we talked about this. You got into your dream school and I want you to go."

"I know but...it's all the way in San Francisco. And being reminded of how you were after Uncle Dave died, I don't want to go that far away from you."

"Sunny...you shouldn't have to worry about me."

"But, I do and I always have."

He tilted his head slightly to look at her and wished that he would have let himself be a little less emotionally dependent on her over the years, "Look," he finally said, "I'll call you every day, even when you don't want me to, and you owe me a visit home every major holiday. Thanksgiving, Christmas, April Fool's Day...you know. How about that?"

Sunny hugged Hal in much of the way she did when she was a child, impulsively and like she didn't have intentions of ever letting go.

"I just want you to be okay," she said into his ear.

"I am okay. I'm going to be fine."

"Do you want to know what I wished for when I blew out the candles?" She pulled back from him to see his blue eyes blink in curiosity. "I made two wishes, actually."

"And what were they?"

"Well, my first wish was for a trip for me Derrick to Japan for two weeks courtesy of my amazing Uncle."

"Hmm...nice try, Sunny. What was the other one?"

"For me to find the words to tell you how thankful and happy I am that I always have you, no matter what." She pulled Hal into her in another embrace, "I love you, Uncle Hal."

Her words felt just as amazing to him their umpteenth time out than they had their first time years ago.

"Thank you, Sunny." he said before he kissed her cheek and momentarily rested his forehead against it. He took a deep breath out looked up at her, "Now go", he urged her remembering her prior engagements before she did, "Your friends are waiting for you at the restaurant. Meg will start killing poor, defenseless waiters if you don't show up soon."

She started for the door but then backtracked to the sofa and picked up the journal entries. She hugged them to herself.

"Thank you for these, Uncle Hal." she said.

Hal watched Sunny until she got into her car and drove down the street, the tail lights being the last thing to disappear completely from him. The house was still for the first time all day but in a way that almost sparked the memories of himself and his life before Dave, before Sunny, before he could honestly tell himself that he was okay alone in a silence like that.

"You're going to be fine, Hal," he said, his own voice bringing belief to the words he spoke for the first time in a long time, "just fine."

* * *

**A/N:** _Well, this is the official end of the story guys._ _Thank you so much to everyone who's read and will read this. I put my heart, soul and many tears into this and it warms my heart to know that there are people who followed the entire thing over the weeks! You guys rock! I hope I've made you cry, laugh, and feel every part of this story that you were supposed to._ --Andi


End file.
